His Cursed Soul
by imgilmoregirl
Summary: Rumplestiltskin wakes up after the curse to find out that he made the biggest mistakes he could think of.
1. Chapter 1

**_Disclaimer: I don't own Once Upon A Time or any of the characters and storylines in the show._**

 _Anonymous prompted on tumblr: Can you write a bad angst family thing? You always write happy endings for the angst._  
 _ **Trigger warning** **for suicide attempt.** I never thought I'd write another season 1 AU, but this prompt could only fit it. Sorry for the angst._

* * *

He stood in front of the window, feeling some kind of coldness that had nothing to do with the weather, but with the despair feeling his soul in that moment. She was sat on the hospital bed inside there, both wrists wrapped with bandage, her skin twice as pale as it should be, her lips, once plump and pink, now white and dry, her eyes lost in an invisible point as her trembling hand disappeared inside the acrylic bassinette to soothe the small creature laid inside there, bundled in white blankets. She looked miserable and his heart thumped painfully in his chest at the realization that he had caused this.

Slowly, his eyes slid shut, memories of two different lives getting mixed inside his head, but even though everything seemed confusing, he could still manage to differ the voices of two cruel men. Rumplestiltskin. Mr. Gold. No matter which name or skin he used, he had been the coldest bastard in the world with the only woman who had ever loved him and now this was his punishment: to watch her, weak and hopeless, wishing to be dead and having to force herself to whisper sweet nothings to keep his child quiet.

When he opened his eyes again, he saw that she had pulled the bundle up to her arms and fat tears were now falling from her eyes. A part of him urged to get inside that room, to comfort her and hug her tight, but as the one to cause her the pain she was feeling now, he knew it was better to watch from distance. He wondered if she would reject the child later, but then he saw Belle brushing her lips tenderly against the new-born's forehead, bathing it with her tears and, for the first time in long, he heard her voice.

"I'm sorry," Belle whispered. "I'm so sorry for what I did. I didn't mean to hurt you... But now that you're here, I promise I will never to such a thing again. You will be the air I breath and the reason my heart beats. I love you more than anything."

The child's answer was a wail, a very thin one, which made him think that the poor thing was probably too small and weak. She wasn't supposed to have given birth now, it was too soon, but he had heard that when she arrived the hospital, there was no hope for her so all the doctor could try was to save the baby she carried. But both of them had survived, both were safe and alive and he didn't understand why it felt even worse than facing a death to him. Maybe because he knew that she hated and that the child in her arms was destined to do the same. Just like Baelfire.

He took a step back, eyes still fixed on them, but his mind too lost in the memories to really pay attention to what was happening inside that hospital room.

* * *

She was cleaning his house that day – as any other day ever since her father became unable to pay for the rent with only the money he made at the flower shop – when he came back home, almost exploding with anger after things finally made sense to him. Last night, before she went home she had confessed that she was pregnant and he wasn't able to say anything immediately, so he let her go and made sure that he wasn't there when she arrived that morning to do her job. But now that he fully understood the meaning of this, he needed to end this story as soon as he could.

"This can't stand," Gold yelled, storming inside the living room to find her dusting his bookshelves.

"Excuse me?"

Her blue eyes were wide, as if she was slightly scared.

"You need to get rid of it," he lost no time to say. "You can't have this child."

She blinked, then released a sound that was something between a gasp and a humourless chuckle. Her hands dropped to her hips and she lifted her chin, pulling on that petulant attitude that drove him mad at the same time it made him want to lay her down on the floor and fuck her until she was blind with pleasure.

"I'm sorry I didn't make it clear for you, Mr. Gold, but you don't have a saying in it. It's my body, my choice," she stated. "I've just told you because I thought you had the right to know."

"You're going to ruin your life and my life if you keep it," Gold insisted. "I will pay for the clinic."

"No."

The brunette gave her back to him so he couldn't see that she was fighting against her tears. She loved him, she had told him so a couple of failed time and was always snapped at. He said she was young and stupid, that she had no idea of what she truly felt and she hated him for it, but if she couldn't have him, then at least she would have this. The child he had put inside of her.

"Don't be stupid, Lacey, you don't want it," he continued. "You can't even take care of yourself."

Suddenly Lacey spun on her heels, throwing the duster at him and letting some of her tears escape her eyes.

"Who do you think you are to tell me what I can do or not?" She shouted out in anger. "Screw you, Gold. I'll show you're wrong."

He nodded without changing the blank, cold face he had pulled on. Bastard. He didn't act like this when he was in need of a blowjob. She was wonderful and independent when it was convenient for him, but when it wasn't then she was a spoiled girl, who knew nothing about life. Lacey was tired of it, she just wanted him to be honest with himself about what he felt about her and what he wanted, but apparently today wouldn't be the day it was going to happen.

"Fine," Gold snapped. "You're fired."

"What?"

"Get the hell out of my house."

So, she did and she never came back.

* * *

He regretted that day, he did it now as he kept watching her - nursing the babe and still whispering to it - and he did it by the moment he recovered his memories when Emma's name woke him up. Mr. Gold had vague memories of her walking around town, almost escorted by Ruby Lucas, the only one who hadn't turned her back to her after she revealed that she was expecting the town's monster's child. Her father threw her out, refused to help her as did he, who pretended she didn't exist and the child swelling her belly wasn't his.

Back then he meant every word he said, or at least Gold did. Rumplestiltskin wasn't less a bastard than him, but wouldn't have commanded her to make an abortion, to rip his own child from her body. In fact, he would have begged his beloved to let it grow and if she didn't want to be involved in its life, he would make sure that at least the babe was safe and cared for. He knew how it felt to lost a child, he would never want to lose another, but his other persona thought otherwise. Gold wanted to inflict that pain to Belle - Lacey as she was called here - when she clearly only wished to have her baby in her arms.

Apparently, the details of the child's conception meant nothing to her, as she traced its bare arm with a finger as if she was seeing light for the first time in her life. She was in love with the little thing, he could see and he felt jealous, because she would never love him the way she loved his babe. He was spell-bounded by their image. He could still remember how he had fucked her against the wall at dungeons of his castle. His pleasure had been immense, but he had meant to hurt her to prove to that stupid little maid that nobody could love him and all she did was to writhe in his arms and reassure him of how much he was wanted. Rumplestiltskin had no mercy, he was rude and forceful and the product of that night laid now on her arms, nursing as the woman who had just tried to kill herself sang to it.

Mr. Gold was not much different from him, although he was crueller. He had used her in all the ways he wanted, not caring even a bit for what she felt. In this land, he had learned, numbers mattered a lot, which was why the whole town was scandalized when they found out about the affair between a young girl who barely reached the age of nineteen with and old pervert in his late forties like him. Gold pretended not to hear the offenses the people made whenever he crossed paths with them after he threw her out, he missed his little toy, but her attachment to him and the fact that she was willing to birth that child, made him forget her in a few weeks.

"Your breathing is so difficult..." Belle murmured from inside the room. "They said your lungs weren't fully ready yet. It's my fault, I know, but I want you get strong. I need you to get strong."

He released a sharp breath. The child was really weak. It could die. If it did, it would kill her like the wounds in her wrists weren't able to and if they both died, then it would be the end of the small spot of light that still existed in Rumplestiltskin's dark, cursed soul.

* * *

It was about noon that morning when Mr. Gold made his way to his shop after collecting the rent of a few people. The nuns had been his favourite, because they didn't have all of it and he threatened to throw them out of the convent if they didn't pay him until the weekend. He had a grin on his face and a pair of sunglasses on, leaning heavily against his cane as he walked, enjoying the sunlight, when he heard a shout coming from somewhere behind him and had to turn around to look at a teary-eyed Ruby Lucas, wearing more clothes than she used to in a daily basis.

"Are you happy now?"

"Forgive me, Ms. Lucas, but I have no idea of what you're talking about."

"Lacey," Ruby choked the name. "She slit her wrists this morning. Because of you, because she still loves you and you ignore her and now she is going to have a child that she can't take care of!"

For a brief moment his whole word stopped. Lacey slit her wrists. Stupid girl, what did she think that she would won with it? Wasn't she the one so decided to keep her child and raise it all alone? She certainly should have come to her senses and realised that was never going to make it on her own.

"I offered her a solution, Ms. Lucas, she didn't want to accept it," he said with a shrug. "I'm sorry that she is dead but she chose it herself."

"She is not dead," Ruby yelled, but then her eyes fell to the floor and her shoulders shook visibly. "At least she wasn't when I left the hospital. They are trying to save her baby first."

The most selfish part of him wanted them to fail saving the child, because if Lacey was dead, but the babe was alive, then he would have to deal with people coming after him and trying to make him take care of it, because after all he had made the stupidity of conceiving it.

"Good luck for the doctors then," he said emotionless before turning around and starting to make his way down the street again, straight to his shop, where he hoped to not be bothered.

"You're such a cold-hearted asshole," Ruby Lucas yelled at him. "You never deserved her!"

Yeah, Gold thought, I didn't.

Stupid, silly girl.

* * *

He had no idea how long he stayed there, watching Belle tender the baby, but when he heard two nurses talking about how she was going to be locked on the asylum – her father had already signed the papers that allowed them to do so – and the baby was going straight to adoption, he knew he needed to do something to stop it from happening.

She was weak, lost lots of blood and the baby was fragile, he heard it from her own mouth. They were both going to die if they were separated. He dropped his gaze to his cane – a reminder of his past of cowardice – and decided that he could be the cold he was one last time if it was to save them both. Rumplestiltskin took a deep breath and swung the hospital room's door open, startling Belle, who jumped in place and clutched the little bundle closer to her chest.

"What are you doing here?" Belle – no, not Belle, Lacey – asked.

"I've heard about your failed attempt to kill yourself."

"So, you came here to check if it was true?" She laughed humourlessly. "I'm sorry to disappoint, Mr. Gold, but we are both fine. Now, if you don't mind please get away from us before your cold sight can fall over my baby and - God forbid – make something bad happen to him."

He swallowed hard, jealously and something else – pain maybe – filling him. She had a boy, one that would be a reminder of his failures with Bae forever. He was hoping for a girl ever since he woke up from the curse, one that was sweet and innocent like Belle and didn't have anything of him. But life was full of disappointments.

"Him?"

"Gideon French," she said. "My son. Nobody else's."

The babe turned around in her arms, making a soft noise, his tiny hands moving up and the blanket falling a bit to reveal his face. Dark eyes, like his, but a small little face as angelic as its young mother's.

"You're going to my house. You'll stay in one of the guest rooms and be as much of a silent ghost as you can," he defined as coldly as he could. "I'll provide for you and him."

"I don't want to."

"You don't have a saying in this," Gold said, copying the words she had told him so long ago. "Either you come with me or your sweet father will throw you in the asylum and the child will be given to adoption."

She blinked and there were suddenly fat tears falling down her face as she lifted the baby up, laying his little hand on her chest, where he had laid his so many times before.

"What?"

"I'll be back tomorrow morning and you can decide."

He left and she cried.

She hated him and she loved him.

The next morning when he came back, she went to his house. But not for herself. Never again for herself.


	2. Chapter 2

A quiet ghost, he had asked her to be and a quiet ghost, Belle made sure that she was. The same couldn't be told about the child, though, as his wailings he could hear all night long, although they were always very weak. She never spoke to him. He never spoke to her. Rumplestiltskin avoided looking at his own child, the baby she held in her arms with such care. A part of him, didn't want the curse to be broken now, because he didn't want to have to look at her eyes, knowing that she was his Belle again, with all the memories of their time together. She already hated him now and it would hurt even more to know that this hate would grow once she had access to their past.

Some nights he would lay in bed remembering about how pure, good and innocent she once had been. Belle wasn't any of it anymore. The expression on her face was always bitter, reminding him of how Milah acted after he came back from battle as a coward. Belle at least, didn't seem to be willing to leave the child she had at any point in her life. She lived for him, as she once promised that she would.

Rumple regretted the things he had done, he hated himself for them, but he couldn't change anything. He very often caught himself about to make an approximation, but then, he pulled away, held himself in place and turned back to being the cold bastard he had always been with his lovely Belle. He bought everything the child needed, but he never touched it. He gave Belle a comfortable bedroom, a few new clothes and provided food for her meals, but he never crossed paths with her. When he was home, she would stay in her room and in the times she needed something from the kitchen and appeared to get it, he observed her from distance.

She was getting more miserable by the day. There were dark bags under her eyes, her skin looked too pale, her lips were white and dry most of the time and she always looked in pain. His poor Belle, who deserved the whole wide world, locked in that house, tied up to that baby forever. All his fault. He growled to himself as he turned around in the bed, thinking that he needed to focus on finding Baelfire instead of keep thinking about something he had already lost forever. Once the curse was broken, Belle would leave him forever and she would take the boy with her.

A few hours of uninterrupted sleep were something he wasn't expecting to get, though. Rumplestiltskin always woke up with Gideon's screams, but that night what woke him was a rude and insistent knock on his door. The Dark One sat up on the bed, rubbing at his eyes and reaching for his cane as the knocking persisted. He was ready to be cold with Belle all over again when he opened the door to find her crying with a limp baby in her arms.

"He is not breathing," she sobbed. "Please, you need to help me. My son is not breathing."

Rumplestiltskin's whole world seemed to have stopped. He looked down at the baby and his breath got caught on his throat. The tiny body Belle held was flaccid, lips getting purple and eyelids closed, he knew he had to do something, but he didn't seem to able to move. Tears fell down Belle's face as she sobbed and clutched the child close to her chest.

"Please," she begged him. "He is the only thing I have. Please do something."

He didn't know what she expected him to do, but Rumplestiltskin picked the baby up from her arms and sat back on the bed, laying him on his legs and with the little knowledge he had, the Dark One tapped his back three times with the needed strength to clean the passage of air again. For a second nothing happened and Belle started to cry harder, but then they heard the smallest of the sounds as if someone was choking and the baby moved slightly, giving Rumple enough hope to repeat the proceeding second time until the child was wailing again, squirming in his legs.

Pulling him up to his arms, Rumple watched as the baby spilled some milk, which was probably suffocating him and Belle immediately reached to clean his little mouth before he could ruin his clothes. She picked him up from the Dark One, nestling him in her arms again and he watched as she soothed the baby, who was slowly regaining his natural pinkish colour.

"Thank you," she murmured between her sobs. "You saved my son."

Although he would have liked to answer, Rumplestiltskin couldn't find the right words to do so. He was in awe, because for the briefest of the moments he had held his son on his arms and it was the most wonderful feeling in the world. A part of him wanted to break down in tears, because he had been ignoring that little boy's existence for the past few weeks and he had almost lost him without even holding him. It hit him hard and all he did was to keep staring at Belle as she nuzzled her nose against the baby's forehead.

"Go to your room," Rumplestiltskin commanded her. "Call me if you need anything and remember to tap his back gently after he is fed."

"I did it," Belle answered. "I don't know why this happened. He was sleeping, then he made a weird sound and stopped breathing."

"Be more careful next time, then."

It was awful that she felt like she needed to explain herself to him, but he only nodded, opening up the door for her and shutting Belle away once more before he fell to the bed again, hiding his face on his hands.

He had envied that baby. He had regretted his existence, but he hadn't realised that he was just another innocent whose life he had ruined too. That poor child deserved better. He was so precious, so little and so sweet! He was pure like Belle and he was a part of both of them. Gods, they had made that child, that little boy Belle claimed to be the only light in her life.

Rumplestiltskin had another son that he so wished to care for, but he couldn't, because he had done everything wrong again.

* * *

She woke up in a hospital room, feeling a bit dizzy. Her vision was blurry and her body felt sore as if she had been hit by a truck. Lacey could remember perfectly about what had happened before she finally fainted, so she wasn't exactly expecting to wake up there, or wake up at all. She lifted her own arms with a bit of an effort to see that both her wrists here wrapped in bandage.

Weak as Lacey was at the moment, she could only manage to lay her hands down again, both above her belly that for her surprise wasn't swollen anymore. She would feel a tick fat layer under her hospital gown, but there was no life in there, no baby to kick her and make her feel even for the slightest moments that her life was still worth it. Tears came to her eyes as she desperately looked around to find a nurse injecting something in the bag to which she was connected.

"Where is my baby?" Lacey asked her.

"Ms. French, good that you're awake," the nurse smiled.

Grunting, she pulled herself up to a sitting position, feeling a sharp pain come from her lower belly.

"Where is my baby?" She repeated.

"Just a minute."

A relieved sigh left her when the nurse disappeared through the opened door, because "just a minute" certainly couldn't mean "I'm sorry, but there is no baby anymore". She sat there impatiently waiting until he woman came back holding a little bundle in her arms and her heart attempted to stop at the sight.

"Congratulations, you have a son," the nurse said, handing the baby to her. "I'll give you a moment with him and then I'll come back so we can have a little talk and maybe try breastfeeding. He is very small and fragile, his lungs weren't ready yet, so you might notice he is making a weird noise, but he is just trying to breath."

Lacey nodded, barely understanding what her words meant as she cradled the most perfect thing she had ever held in her arms. He was tiny, very tiny and was sucking at his own little fist, blinking his dark brown eyes at her. He was perfect. She didn't care that he had Gold's damned eyes, she wouldn't care even if he turned out to be his mirrored image, that baby was hers, he represented the love she had felt for that man and she would take care of him until her very last breath.

"Hey little boy," Lacey murmured. "I can't believe I almost lost the chance of holding you. You are going to be loved, alright? I will love you every day of my life and you'll never doubt of that."

He released his fist, a trail of saliva falling on his chin, but she only thought that it was adorable. He was in fact doing some strange noises that had nothing to do with little cries or a small complaining and Lacey became immediately worried about his healthy. Earlier that day she had wished to die and she hadn't cared much if she was dragging him with her or not, but now that she was holding him everything had changed. She wanted her child to live and she would do anything to keep him safe.

* * *

Sleep didn't come for Rumple after that little incident in the middle of the night. All he could do was to keep obsessively thinking about Belle and the child. Gideon. His son. He thought about Baelfire too, about everything that meant failing with both of them. It kept him up until it was time to get ready for the day and he headed to the kitchen already wearing one of his usual suits. He stopped in the middle of way though because he found Belle in the living room, crying again, curled up on his couch with the baby sleeping in her arms.

"What are you doing?" He couldn't help himself but to ask.

"Watching him sleep," she shrugged. "I will need to take him to the hospital. His breathing is still hard."

Even from where he was, he could see that the way the child's chest rose and fall wasn't exactly normal, it was slowly and hard as if breathing caused him some kind of pain. He held his cane tighter, taking a few steps towards them and taking a seat beside Belle.

"May I hold him?"

"Why?"

"Because I want to," he said, simply. "He is my son."

Belle furrowed and he relished in the way she still looked beautiful and pure even when she was in fact bitter and scared. There was anger in her eyes, of course, anger for what he had done to her cursed self - the adventurous Lacey - and there was mistrust too. Everything he deserved, of course.

"You never wanted him," she whispered.

"I'm sorry, Lacey, I really am," Rumple answered. "I've made a lot of mistakes, but he is not one of them and I want to fix this."

She glanced down at the baby and with some hesitance, she handed him to the Dark One. A smile appeared in his lips as he watched his son fuss a bit before getting used to his warmth and lean his small cheek against his chest. Belle smiled fondly at the scene for a second, but then that smile faded and she shook her head.

"I'm not sure if I can forgive you."

"I'm not asking for forgiveness," he assured her. "Just let me take care of him too."

More hesitance. She worried at her lip and reached out too touch the baby's brow, which allowed him to see her bare wrists for the first time in long. With the bandages gone he could see the deep wound that was still healing but would soon become a scar in her perfect body. He released a sharp breath, wanting to take her hands and kiss each scar, saying he would do anything so she would never feel like she wanted to end her life again, however he didn't do it.

"Okay," Belle – no, Lacey, he reminded himself – said. "But you need to promise me that you will never, ever hurt him like you hurt me."

Tears pooled in his eyes as he nodded, looking deeply in her sad blue ones before bending down to press a kiss to Gideon's forehead, who made a whiny sound at the gesture.

"I would never hurt him," he answered. "And I'm sorry for what I did to you."

"If…" Lacey tried to start but needed to swallow hard before continuing. "If you really want to get my trust back, you can start by pulling Gideon to his crib and perhaps making me some tea."

She was being imprudent by asking this of him and he could see in her eyes that she was afraid of his reaction, but he only smiled at her and carefully leaned to kiss her cheek tenderly before getting his cane and pulling himself up to his feet with Gideon safely nestled in one arm. He couldn't fix his mistakes, but if Belle, with her kind heart was willing to give him a second chance, he could try and do his best to make it worth it.

"I'll be back in a few moments, then we can talk."


End file.
